I’ve had Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” stuck in my head all night. So much so, that I am punishing my ears by blaring the song into them on repeat. I must give a shout out to the website making this possible: ListenOnRepeat.com. Check it.
I feel like I should be writing something. That thing wasn’t one of the few novels I have going. So I decided to pour myself into a blog. I need it. I need to get back into a regular blogging routine. I need to get into a regular routine, period.
Thirty years old, and I’ve found myself in a place I did not expect to be. Nowhere. It’s not a new story. It almost feels like a right of passage. Of course, knowing things intellectually does not always help with the going through them part. It’s so hard not giving in to the depression. It’s so hard NOT masking what I am really feeling with some form of intoxicant. Even as I am writing this, I am not all here. I have a little of this and a little of that and some of another thing in my system.
When I reflect on who I am from the perspective of my younger self, THAT is when I want to give in to the depression the most. Yet, there is a still, small voice inside of me that is urging me to feel it. I think that is why Billy Idol is stuck in my head.
A few weeks ago, another song did this to me, and it turned into something VERY positive. I was at an all-time-low at the job. I was sick, and a nervous wreck. On a break, I heard Janis Joplin’s “Me an Bobbly McGee” come on the radio, and all the feelings I held so tightly inside exploded out of me. I cried, and I sang, and I cried even harder. It gave me the motivation to quit that job and find another. Of course, the new job is only slightly better, but *fingers crossed* hopefully good enough to let me carry out my plan for the next year.
My plan is to write like hell and to get myself in shape for hiking the Appalachian Trail next year. From Georgia to Maine. In order to achieve the latter, I’ll definitely need to give up most of my vices (caffeine, nicotine, etc).
Now I’m getting stuck. It’s a quarter to one in the morning. Since my new job is overnight shifts though, that’s not as late as it seems. Alas, I am not used to the new schedule yet so … I’m fading. At least where the higher brain functions are concerned.
I suppose I’ll play a game for a little bit, go to bed, and wake up to my day off. I’ll be able to DO something tomorrow. Though, tomorrow has been my problem lately. It’s always tomorrow. Here’s hoping for the sun coming out.